Online Role Playing MUDs: Four Ways to Get Pwned By A Text God


By Chris J. Johnston

In most text games out there, the admins and coders take on an in-character persona so as to better interact and monitor their game and its players. In the Iron Realms games, like many text games, they take on the role of Gods. Regardless of what type of God they are, they all possess one very unique ability; the ability to kill you instantly in fun and varied ways. This can range from the simple lightning bolt of death to something as strange and interesting as being forcibly impregnated by a gargantuan kraken named "Fluffy".

Yes, there are multitudes of ways to get rocked by any of the Gods, but what do you have to DO to stand smack in the middle of the tracks with a Divine Pain Train barreling towards you? Here's four tried and true methods.

Be An Idiot

There is nothing more infuriating than quintessential stupidity prancing about right in front of you. Fortunately for a God, they have the means to quickly rid themselves of such atrocities. So put on your stupid hat and do your best to piss anything and everything off, invoking the names of the Gods just in case they're listening. Excessive use of the 'lick' and 'giggle' emotes will speed the process along, as will setting anything customizable about you to something ridiculous. The world should know that you are actually a human with wings and a tail and external kidneys instead of an elf. With enough lucky and stupidity, anything and everything will hate you and it will be sooner than later that a God will show up and do their best to end your offensive existence.

Disagree With Them

Surely you have felt the urge to smack someone around for having the wrong opinion, but perhaps you weren't able to act on such a desire because for some reason that is frowned upon. Well, when your opinion is widely accepted as infallible and you have the power to own anyone who says otherwise, why not just own anyone who says otherwise? Do you want to be a text God yet? So obviously a good way to get a God's attention is to oppose them in any and every way possible. Kill their servants, defile their shrines, hate upon them publicly and extremely loudly-anything you can. If the God is around at all, you are likely to receive at minimum a roll of the eyes and a lightning bolt to the face.

KILL THE NEWBIES (don't do it. srsly)

This one is pretty stupid. Only attempt this one if you plan to not exist in the game for a while. A long while. Forever. Newbies are good for the game and by the Gods if you mess with them, the Gods are going to mess with you. You might get a pretty neat death or three thousand, but you're not coming back. Better copy and paste those cool messages quick!

Do/Say Things At the Wrong Time

There's a time and a place for things to be said. In a text game where your target audience can be changed with just a single letter in a command, be extra careful about what you say. Seeing as how you're TRYING to die though, do exactly the opposite. Say your crude and painfully out of character thoughts in public in-character places. The City of Light and All That Is Good needs to know exactly HOW drunk you got last Saturday. Similar to this, perhaps during the middle of a worldwide event in which several Gods are in attendance is a good time to perform your practical jokes or attempt to kill that guy you don't like. I'm sure everyone will enjoy the interruption of serious roleplay.

With these techniques and any luck (probably bad), you will find yourself getting owned by the Gods in no time!


also bad ideas: emoting urination on a god's master shrine, graffiti on their fulcrux walls, offering bits of food at their shrines, said bits being composed of their favorite creatures or races.

You know a god(dess) is angry when they kill you, then revive you so they can kill you again.

I would be more interested in learning how to get the Gods to bestow their wonderous gifts and awesome powers on me.  Now that is an article worth reading.

Thank Gods I have good luck.  Even if I do sponge it off of a Divine in-character.  Good ol' Hermes.

Having your dramatic mudsex speak said over the city logs for over an hour with all your physically impossible penetration, phalluses and the like. That's a good way for, if not a divine, for many people to kill you quick if only to shut you up.

Gods can be creative. It's worth watching Deathsight most of the time, in the anticipation of seeing something really cool instead of someone just dying of a zap.

Decent if not vague article.



Pretty self explainatory except for the disagreeing one.  Why would a god kill you because you disagreed?

Have you ever dealt with either of the Twin Lords before?

I've been dropped in a volcano for disagreeing before...



Never ask a God what there mother was like and if their anger towards you stemed from their childhood. They will slowly explain they don't have a mother and that you're an idiot, then they will kill you

Take that, Freud!

I am dodged the "bullet/zap" so far and hope to not get zapped ever... although i forsee many gods reading this and warming up there F9 key in prep for my return :P

Good dissent can be awesome. Good punishments can be equally interesting.

I'm right with you on the latter statement. Sometimes I'm envious of the people who get cursed and whatnot. It looks so interesting. As for the former, I suppose it depends on who you're dealing with, and under what circumstances. I have not, sadly, had a chance to see those circumstances (though I'd like to).

60% probably do reason one, be an idiot.

Hahaha, we call one of our monsters "Fluffy," in MKO, too  ^.^

...because its name is so long no one can remember how it's spelled.

Possibly the surest way to get killed by the Gods repeatedly is to claim to be an Atheist. Or that they can't actually hurt you.



Disagreeing and doing the opposite of what the divine sayshasnt gotten me smited yet :P

Gods zap people for many more things than that.

Fun article. I always get a little scared when I read a message of someone getting zapped, but it is necessary to make things run smoothly. 

Ha, I remember whenhe got impregnated by the kraken. That was one helluva deathsight. I had no idea it was a Gods doing until later.

Maybe remember they are Gods, so they are roleplaying the way one would imagine a God to be. I would interested to see the Gods post stupid things mortals do to try and be 'all powerful' to a volunteer who gave up their mortality to try and help better the game.


Or spam... like for instance...romp spam anyone?

I've never met a god on this toon. :(

Accept their offers to play games! Omei is tons of fun that way :D

saw this guy who killed a god's messenger. said guy promptly died immediately after.