Online Text Games: Cooties or Controllers? - Why Text Games Are Better Than Girls

By Seth R. Cooke

Decisions, decisions. Just as your team prepares to raid the lair of your sworn enemies, those who have plagued you for eons, you are startled from your frantic typing by a buzz. Your girlfriend (you vaguely remember her name is "Nancy"... or was it "Beth"?) is texting you, wondering why you haven't spoken to her in a week and demanding a face-to-face meeting.

Ordinarily, this would be a crisis. Do you choose your game, or your girlfriend? But never fear! Your choice will soon be made easy as the perks to picking your text-game over your girlfriend are made clear.

Unlike a text-game, a girlfriend will require, or perhaps even demand, time and energy. Sweet instant messages, some face-to-face meeting every once in awhile, and some sort of 'interaction' will be required of you on a regular basis. A text game requires none of these - indeed you will find that serenading your MUD is never required, even once! There is no competition either, for your text game will never look jealously at another player, demand that you act like you love them somehow, or wonder aloud where the spark has gone. Unlike women, your game will always accept you for who you are!

In fact, one of the many benefits of a text game is that they do not require much in the way of maintenance at all. You don't have to wine and dine a MUD; it will still be there for you even if you don't spend a dime on it. There is also no social codes or expectations, so live life up! There's no unneeded financial strain, no birthdays to remember and no fancy restaurants to dress up for. Just you and the game.

Should your game somehow grow old or boring, fear not! It will never look over your shoulder, or grow jealous of you seeing another MUD. A girlfriend may grow older or begin to grate on your nerves, leaving you trapped in a relationship you no longer enjoy. However, your game will never reach that level of dependency. You are free to see other games whenever you wish, with no fear of a jealous game awaiting when you return home.

In a similar vein, no matter what you do, your game will never leave you for another. It is a sad fact of life that, despite your obvious perfections and charm, some women will decide you are somehow 'insufficient' and leave to seek someone else. Despite proving your dominance and skill by crushing them in a game, or allowing them to observe your technique for hours on end, women are fickle creatures. Not so with a game! It is perfectly accepting of who you are, and it will always be there waiting for you. Not only do you not have to worry about being trapped, you know it will always be there for you! And that is the kind of security that no amount of money can buy.

As a warning, however, the 'father' of your text game might be watching you closely throughout your gaming experience, eager to protect his daughter from you. Oh, but wait! Because text games are not born biologically, they have no fathers or mothers, simply coders. While your girlfriend's father might resent your presence around his precious angel, the makers of a game will always encourage you to remain. While your girlfriend's father might insist you be a respectable gentleman, or her mother demand that you stop rolling your eyes at her (or worse, that you wear decent clothes!), the game and its creators will accept you as you are, no strings attached.

The advantages of a text game are painfully clear; the lack of effort required paired with the constant level of attention that you will receive from your game make it the most logical choice. Beyond that, the emotional security of knowing that your game will not leave you (it is, in fact, unable to leave you!) will help you sleep better at night, and not having to worry about impressing any parents means that you have the freedom to live exactly as you choose.

If you think you'd enjoy some of the most engaging roleplay and fierce PvP out there more than pina coladas and getting caught in the rain, check out these text-based RPGs today!

Seth R. Cooke is a text game enthusiast and currently plays games from

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HAHAHA, replace 'girl' with 'boy' and I wholeheartedly agree.

Can't change the context of the text!!! ^^ 



If you keep enticing the men away from the women, who will procreate to add more members to your game???

I'm sure someone out there will stay ahead on the "procreating" game.

Don't worry, Aetolia will handle all the procreating. Your game just isn't up to par (/double-entendre'd!)

Of course, all the good little emo kids will join us in Aetolia. The smart-$##es will run off to Lusternia. The rebellious among them will wallow in Imperian. And we all know what happens to the preppies.

handle that part


Gawi, you're assuming WAY too much about the playerbase's abilities.

and the writer seems to whole-heartedly ignore the fact that even MUDs get boring after, oh, 40 or 60 years!!!

True but then there is always a different one to try.

Why would we procreate? It would take us away from the game.

ewww! cooties! D:

I whole heartedly agree.


. . .. I'm not even sure what to say. It's amusing as a joke, but if serious, I fart in your general direction!

Strange article. If anything, the gender ratio in MUDs across the board is more even than graphical MMOs.



If only games could have sex.. that would probabilly mean the end of mankind.

Give it a bit of VR too..

I'd take a girl.

Why not just have both?  O.o  there's definately girls into games....AND there nine times more fun to be around then those who are not....If you believe the concept 'every girl in game is just a guy'  then i personally think you're at a loss for appreciation for what there really is out there.  Besides, even if this wording was truth in its entireity it would mean there's some lonely girly men out there! *laughs*

Pffff. This doesn't take into account the possibility of boys > text games.

Problem solved: Find a girl who plays the games as much as you do!


Until you PK her and all hell breaks lose. No thanks!


Protip: Don't ever claim it's a claim, claim it's programming in which everyone who doesn't play the game suddenly understands exactly what you do and respects it :D

I dunno if that's something I'm willing to bank on. :P

This is funny. My wife laughed when I read this to her last year.  With a bit of a followup that if this turned in to me I'd be in serious trouble...



rofl, guys have the cooties *sparkle*

too funny, and it explains a lot about the guys who play these games

This she be gospel.



A very convincing arguement but the girls are still way sexier than the games.

I've known Achaea longer than most of my friends. It'll always be #1 in my heart.

I had the same idea once, many years ago. I was like is it better a girl or a Warhammer 40K miniature? The latter, of course. It is loyal, it never betrays you, you can "dress" it as you want it, etc... I had that moment, like everyobody has a ninja period in his/her life. Shields up, Mhaldorians are coming!

Haha. You said cooties.

Quickly now, get to da choppah!

Is the ratio of players really still so filled with males, compared to wider genres of gaming? I feel like most of the players I know come about equally male or female, in terms of numbers.

I would have to say that the ratio is getting much and much closer just in the last few years.

I'm amused.




Haha, great article!


between forever alone and the sense of companionship in games

hahah this made me laugh