RPG Games: Pursuit of the Sue
by M.K. Barry
So, you've rolled a new character in your favourite IRE text game, and now you're ready to dive in and become the sweetheart of the whole text game world. But if you want to be the shining beacon of perfection that you know deep in your heart that you are, you have to do some work! So here, in four simple steps, is the way to create the most perfect Mary-Sue.
Simply put, a Mary-Sue is the /godmode of fan-fiction. They can deflect every spell, sleep with all the heroic love-interests and are usually like, soo totally popular. While Mary-Sue characters are usually products of teenage girls, this bad trait can follow authors well into their adulthoods.
Step 1: Create the perfect name and title
Your name and title cannot be generic, common things. They have to be unique, and meaningful. Your text game name itself has to ring off the ears of others and make them gasp in auditory ecstasy. It could take days to think of the right name, but after playing with your own nicknames, switching up vowels, and messing with online translators to get the word for "darkness" in ancient Sanskrit, you'll finally have a name that's as perfect as you are. However, you can't let the name be the only thing to represent you! As though one word could every capture your wonder. All IRE text games let you have a title as well, so now you need to figure out a title that is worthy of you. Don't worry about earning a title, just make one up. Have you linked your rpg game character to some fantastic animal? If you have, then you can just proclaim yourself as the master of that creature. Otherwise, just pick a text game God and name yourself the "Favoured of (Him|Her)". Don't worry, I'm sure the text game Gods will be so flattered that you allowed Their names into your title that they won't zap you. Or maggot you. Or turn you into a shrubbery.
Step 2: Describe your glory
When describing your text game character, remember that the hardships your character has suffered should have no bearing on your physical appearance, save to make you more beautiful. Starvation is an excellent example. Normally, starvation would leave men and women with sunken in cheeks, twig-thin arms, and large dead eyes. Not you though. For you, starvation has only served to keep you skinny and slender. You still have muscle tone and/or large perky breasts, and curvy hips, which are likely stated somewhere in your description to "draw admiring gazes from men and women, and invoke their lust". If you fight, or even work hard with your hands, you have no wounds, no callouses, nothing to detract from your beauty, save for one exception: scars. Scars are allowed, provided they are visible, improve your beauty, and come from some dramatic event in your text game past. This way, when someone asks about your scar ( after you've spent the last hour subtly tracing it with one slender finger) you can give a deep and heavy sigh, look into the distance as though looking back into the past, and as the terrible history of the scar comes to mind, you let a single tear, like a perfect diamond, fall down your cheek as you start your lament.
Step 3: The tragic past
Perfect text game characters tend to be uninteresting. If they never make mistakes, they never get a chance for dramatic role-play. That's ok though, because you're going to spice up your rpg game character with a horrible past. Make your character one of noble birth, whose parents either abandoned them, or were murdered brutally (preferably before your character's eyes). After that, you can say you you were raised by some horrible text game villain who fed you raw dog tails and beat you for breathing. Eventually you can talk about your great escape, leaving everything for a fantastic new life. Along the way, you can throw in some tragedy, where someone dies, or where a place is destroyed, and you happen to be there. This way, you can blame yourself, and have a redemption story going for you, although everyone knows that you didn't do anything wrong. This allows for dark brooding and suppressed rage about your text game past, without making you seem less perfect by having flaws.
Step 4: The Sue swag
You have your perfect text game character outfit all ready to go, so now's the time to jazz it up. Throw in a talking animal, a magical tattoo, a ring passed down from generations which has some magical ability to speak to your dead parents. your description can help with this, of course. Have a cat constantly sitting on your shoulder, a glowing tattoo, or the ring you always wear. Don't forget to godmod some powers for yourself. Color changing eyes, pyrokinesis, levitation. If you really want to go all-out, make yourself mute so you can talk with your mind, or you eyes, or blind, so you can see with your true inner eye. This will also let you make assumptions on the true nature of everyone so you can say that those who don't like you simply have a tainted and distorted aura.
Now of course, if anyone else did any of this, they'd come off as assuming, self-glorifying, role-play hacks. But not you, because as we've already mentioned, you're perfect, right?
M.K. Barry is a text game enthusiast who enjoys playing the best online rpg games from Iron Realms!