The Many Uses of Cactus Weed in Achaea
You've heard of it before, but you've never tried it. A senior Guildmember said that it gives you a horkval's intelligence, and one time your mother said your uncle was always "toking the cacti" and that's why he never did any quests and had to borrow gold from your daddy. Regardless of what you've heard, I'm here to dispel any myths about the magical and wonderful herb known as cactus weed in the text adventure game known as Achaea.
Who First Smoked Cactus Weed?
First discovered by a serpent that apparently ran around the desert lighting up random plants in his pipe (cottonmouth in the Mhojave, anyone?), cactus weed induces a euphoria that some describe as "uplifting and floaty, with smiley faces everywhere man!". Also commonly reported is a feeling of "the munchies", a deep ravenous hunger that can only be satiated by ordering one of EVERYTHING at the Eleusian Inn. Rumour has it that one time Sir Piggly of Bopalopia smoked so much cactus weed, he accidentally saved the land by eating an entire candy coffin that had a princess trapped inside!
It is virtually impossible to overdose on cactus weed and similar drugs in text games, however too much can leave ones' senses feeling extremely dull. During this intense phase some refer to as "the blackout", it will be difficult to gauge your physical and
mental well-being. But hey, who cares about your text game health when you're lounging on the couch eating a jar of cookies?
While not physically addictive like the more intense text game drug gleam, a psychological dependancy can be formed if one lazes around getting high all day (looking at you, Hashan). However, there are practical uses for this herb aside from smoking it, and I'll list some of them below.
Eating Cactus Weed Brownies
A good friend of mine suffered from severe asthma that no epidermal salve could cure. We even tried "bursting" him, Achaea slang for killing someone who, due to a tattoo, will immediately come back to life, free of afflictions. That didn't work either.
Finally, we heard about a certain text game House that sells special brownies in their estate, and after some negotiating we managed to get our hands on these tasty treats. That night, we swore those brownies were magical... and one can only hope that with the recent release of the Cooking ability, you might be able to someday bake your own!
Smoking Up Your Enemies
Many classes have various abilities to force you to do something, and that includes smoking a pipe. How's THAT for peer pressure? Your text game opponent will be dazzled by all the big happy faces floating around him, leaving him open to your attacks!
A good rule of thumb is to only attempt this with special artefact pipes that always stay lit and reset back to you. The reasons for this being, A) you don't want the pipe suddenly going out after you've handed it off, and B) you only made him hit it once and there's probably still some good weed left in the pipe!
Cactus Weed Has Medicinal Purposes
Many shamans and spiritual healers recommend a little puff of the good stuff to chase away headaches, joint pains, even short-term depression. After all, who can resist those smiley faces? Although the actual effects of cactus are hotly debated, one thing is for certain; it can definitely have a psychological effect. Whether or not there are any actual mechanics in a text game for something like cactus weed, it can definitely have a psychological impact.
One should not attempt to use cactus weed to heal any serious afflictions such as voyria, as you'll only die with a stupid grin on your face. However, the appetite-stimulating effects of the plant are being researched by leading doctors (not Kortoxian, don't worry), in an effort to find a way to combat chronic anorexia.
I hope you've enjoyed this article, and remember to pass the ornate pipe on the left hand side!
Tony Celentano is a text game enthusiast and currently plays games by Iron Realms.