The Many Uses of Cactus Weed in Achaea

happy face


You've heard of it before, but you've never tried it. A senior Guildmember said that it gives you a horkval's intelligence, and one time your mother said your uncle was always "toking the cacti" and that's why he never did any quests and had to borrow gold from your daddy. Regardless of what you've heard, I'm here to dispel any myths about the magical and wonderful herb known as cactus weed in the text adventure game known as Achaea.


 Who First Smoked Cactus Weed?

First discovered by a serpent that apparently ran around the desert lighting up random plants in his pipe (cottonmouth in the Mhojave, anyone?), cactus weed induces a euphoria that some describe as "uplifting and floaty, with smiley faces everywhere man!". Also commonly reported is a feeling of "the munchies", a deep ravenous hunger that can only be satiated by ordering one of EVERYTHING at the Eleusian Inn. Rumour has it that one time Sir Piggly of Bopalopia smoked so much cactus weed, he accidentally saved the land by eating an entire candy coffin that had a princess trapped inside!


It is virtually impossible to overdose on cactus weed and similar drugs in text games, however too much can leave ones' senses feeling extremely dull. During this intense phase some refer to as "the blackout", it will be difficult to gauge your physical and
mental well-being. But hey, who cares about your text game health when you're lounging on the couch eating a jar of cookies?


While not physically addictive like the more intense text game drug gleam, a psychological dependancy can be formed if one lazes around getting high all day (looking at you, Hashan). However, there are practical uses for this herb aside from smoking it, and I'll list some of them below.

Eating Cactus Weed Brownies

A good friend of mine suffered from severe asthma that no epidermal salve could cure. We even tried "bursting" him, Achaea slang for killing someone who, due to a tattoo, will immediately come back to life, free of afflictions. That didn't work either.

Finally, we heard about a certain text game House that sells special brownies in their estate, and after some negotiating we managed to get our hands on these tasty treats. That night, we swore those brownies were magical... and one can only hope that with the recent release of the Cooking ability, you might be able to someday bake your own!

Smoking Up Your Enemies

Many classes have various abilities to force you to do something, and that includes smoking a pipe. How's THAT for peer pressure? Your text game opponent will be dazzled by all the big happy faces floating around him, leaving him open to your attacks!


A good rule of thumb is to only attempt this with special artefact pipes that always stay lit and reset back to you. The reasons for this being, A) you don't want the pipe suddenly going out after you've handed it off, and B) you only made him hit it once and there's probably still some good weed left in the pipe!

Cactus Weed Has Medicinal Purposes

Many shamans and spiritual healers recommend a little puff of the good stuff to chase away headaches, joint pains, even short-term depression. After all, who can resist those smiley faces? Although the actual effects of cactus are hotly debated, one thing is for certain; it can definitely have a psychological effect. Whether or not there are any actual mechanics in a text game for something like cactus weed, it can definitely have a psychological impact.


One should not attempt to use cactus weed to heal any serious afflictions such as voyria, as you'll only die with a stupid grin on your face. However, the appetite-stimulating effects of the plant are being researched by leading doctors (not Kortoxian, don't worry), in an effort to find a way to combat chronic anorexia.


I hope you've enjoyed this article, and remember to pass the ornate pipe on the left hand side!


Puff the magic cactus for yourself in Achaea, Dreams of Divine Lands or another one of the top text adventure games out there.


Tony Celentano is a text game enthusiast and currently plays games by Iron Realms.


I always wanted to put it in food... maybe with the new cooking skill, you can make weed brownies :D



Nom nom nom!



Laced pie anyone?

Herbal Fun Feti on the Ganjala (Gondola).  Thats how we're living.

I don't even know if it exists in aetolia.. I always found it annoying.

Years ago when I was exiled from Ashtan I made my way to the city of Hashan, after living there a while I used to often throw many things into the bonfire pit at the Crossroads.  In my amusement I honestly found no need for the Cactus weed other than my personal amusement and intoxication so I emptied my rift after some hunting during I believe some sort of peace talks for alliance with the city of Tasur'ke


The Seneschal at the time Sobriquet was in attendance with many regents and citizens and I tossed Cactus weed into the pit, low and behold I did not realize I had gotten the entire congregation intoxicated with the glorious smiley faces the cactus weed gives.  The poor hallucinations infuriated the leaders and of course the nuisance that I am then often made a habit of getting the crossroads high.  


Go ahead and try it but be warned, they dont take so lightly to you turning the Crossroads into Woodstock...


So that's how they got Tasur'ke to accept!

mmm, cactus weed...

I lol'd after the initial shock and terror settled.

Same :D

This was amusing.

It was.

THAT is freakin awesome! I'd've loved to have been there.

Almost wish I'd been there.

A small puff or two makes for more effective training games of Knight vs Squires at one point back in history (I fail to remember when or which set of Knights).  Some of the Knights would get together and dare their proteges to attempt to take them down while puffing on the weed. It always left everyone feeling slightly more relaxed and gave the proteges something to feel good about. 



As a young Maldaathi I remember someone of higher rank then me used to take the recruits bashing on Shala-Khulia. He would buy everyone their first pipe and teach them how to use it using weed as an example. Khoraji caught wind of this and disproving of the use of weed by the Maldaathi silently stalked Sentry and his recruits. I only remember the impressive way Khoraji showed himself and the lose of the Sentries head but I was forever awed by Khoraji from that day on.

Wish he'd return.

Years ago when I first started playing and coding a system I decided to test my pipe curing. Being as I didn't want to waste 'valuable' herbs I chose to test with weed. Having never smoked weed in game before I was not aware of what was about to happen. Loading up my script I set it in motion and... the pipe lighting worked fabulously, the pipe refilling worked fabulously, and I was thinking I was well on my way! Then... all hell broke loose... I smoked the entire pipe in a couple of seconds... Horror crossed my eyes as I watched my script pull another weed out of my pocketbelt and load it into the pipe, light the pipe, and smoke it as well... the spam that fired passed me, as herb after herb entered that pipe, filled me with dread at the thought that somewhere up in the admin office someone might be watching me and I might be shrubbed for spamming the game. Finally, as though in answer to my unspoken prayer, for this nightmare to end, my client crashed. I sat there shakily, my nerves all a quiver as I slowly reloaded the client, logged back in... and BAM... was hit with my first smiley face. OH GOD NO!! WHAT HAD I DONE!!! Hours later... the smileys ended and in almost 300 years Caz has not smoked weed since. 

As a young one in the realms, I tended to spend a lot of time near Vellis and his butterflies in Minia.  All sorts of other young travelers would come through, making the familiar arch always fresh and exciting.


Then came the fateful day: an older traveler had come through, bringing a small pipe with him, which he was puffing at vehemently.  After handing it off to a couple of other young ones who had been lounging about, I approached him, curious as to its effect.


The traveler gave a lopsided grin and proffered the pipe towards me.  "Ooooh, it does wonders, I tell ye.  Ye'll be feelin' much better after a whiff o' this!"


I should have walked away, especially after seeing the dazed, foolish looks on the faces of the others who had partaken of the thick smoke -- but youth is foolish, indeed.  Who was I to doubt my elders, who had had more experience in the world than I? I accepted the pipe and, with only a moment's hesitation, inhaled deeply from its stem.


My eyes fogged over, lungs clenched and gut wrenching at the too-sweet oily flavour.  The pipe dropped forgotten to the ground as I heaved dryly to the side of the path.  That had been a stupid thing to do.  This stuff was foul!


Fortunately, I was soon able to breathe properly again.  My stomach loosened up, and I managed to straighten myself.  I picked up the pipe, and faced the traveler to return it and give him a piece of my mind.


And then the horror began.  Even as I looked at his smirking face, it grew, expanding to fill my vision, mouth taking on a horribly curved smile.  Not malicious, not evil: just grinning from ear to ear.  I stumbled back, dropping the pipe once again, unable to tear my eyes from the vision.  It was everywhere, everything was...


The face burst.  I blinked, terror subsiding.  What had it been? An illusion? A daydream? The traveler stood, bent over and cackling, face hidden.  I chose not to risk another glance at the visage, and instead turned and ran towards the village of Pixies.


I made it without seeing a single soul, and fell against a tree, exhausted by the incident.  I tried closing my eyes, only to see the silhouette of the face burned into my eyelids.  No, they'd have to stay open.


Nearby, a pixie flitted towards me.  I smiled wanly, waving to her.  But then her face came into focus.  And the nightmare began again.  The face turned into a purple mask, smooth grin coming into horrible focus, expanding, filling everything...


That was when I lost it.  I must have shrieked louder than I remember, because the face vanished as the pixie fled in fright.  I myself ran back down the path, eyes squeezed tight, until I stumbled into the familiar worn path by the archway.  I felt my way around until I found the road to the imp tower; what possessed me to go there, I'll never know.  But down to the tower I went, moaning and shaking like a drunken fool, not stopping until I'd trodden the familiar path right up to the rickety doorway.


I stepped inside, lungs heaving -- not from the smoke, but from exhaustion.  Hearing nothing but a distant rattling noise, I peeped my eyes open, ghostly smile gratefully fading away.  I glanced around, but didn't have time to curse my luck.  Not one, not two, but three imps stood staring at me intently, pair of dice forgotten on the floor.


All three faces instantly turned hideous colours, grinning, grinning, grinning...


I awoke with a head full of cotton, a pack full of rocks, and an unspoken dread forever seared into my head.  I can see smiles now without wincing or whimpering like a half-wit, but if I ever see those faces again, I'd likely snap.  And if I catch that elderly traveler... well, let's just say I've been polishing my skills in the arena for quite some time.




Alright, so while this may not show cactus weed being used for anything new, it's the only real contact I've had with it, and quite a memorable one at that.  Cheers!

Long live the weed brownies of the Spirit Walkers. Goes well with some icecreame made of Voyria.

Occasionally I give the brownies out to friends in celibration, yet they always are suspicious of them!


I need some of these... I love special brownies.

Back in the day, Riddles were hosted with greater frequency, and to inspire participation the top three winners would receive Boons.  I suppose Boons were handed out for more than just riddles, but let's not get distracted.   I don't remember the theme of the riddle, I know I found it just as difficult as any other riddle in existance.   What I also remember was all three of the winners requested their boon in some way be gifted to me. 


Paine asked for a brand new clan (he was gifted the chance to clear the news board of a clan of his choice, he chose a clan belonging to me)


Jaizsur asked for one of every flower in Sapience be given to me, the Weaver settled for two dozen silver roses.


Mulisha wanted to hold a party in my honor with all of Sapience invited, we settled instead for getting everyone in Sapience high.   Hundreds of simultaneous smiles spread across the realms, it was awesome.

So THAT'S what that was!!

I still carry a ton of the stuff in my rift and only puff it if I get bored and need a little pick me up smile on my face. Though there's a few denizens that can do the same thing to ya, like the weed smoking pirate.

Killed him once... nothing. Killed him twice... Gah! The smileys! Anytime I thought they'd stopped, yet another would pop up. I stay far from him now or run past him.



First time I fought the anemones in Phereklos I started seeing smilies...  I freaked out and was like, what did I do, what did I do!!!!  I'm pretty sure half of my housemembers laughed at me since I was so panicked.

I don't remember if I just let them subside, or if I asked someone to kill me in the arena, but needless to say, I avoided hunting them after that!

I love articles like this.  They always give me a good laugh!

I agree, havent tried weed yet, I think I might now :)


I remember being given that as a newbie, funniest time I ever had in Achaea. Though I never knew about so many creative uses!

... but I still hate catus weed.  The smiley's get a bit annoying after awhile.

oh yeah... they are hell...

I have a weed gagger. No smileys. But I'd still like to try the brownies in game. ;)

well that takes the fun out of it

Make cooking recipes with weed. Afflicts with: dyslexia, sensitivity, stupidity, aeon.

I've done number two and it was hilarious.

The Spirit Walker cactus weed brownies are definitely Neia's favorite snack.

Brilliantly funny article! What Achaea needs in more (or some) Cactus Weed dealers!

I wish cactus weed grew more frequently...

at almost 220 years old I'm still not much a fan of those darn smiley faces.. to much happy for a cranky old man i guess.

Especially denizens that do it. I should probably just gag the smileys.

Very interesting, it's true, I never had the opportunity to do so, always was forbidden by my house.. But after reading this I just have to!


Weed is a component of some potions in Lusternia...most importantly, bromide. Makes you feel good?

Nothing to boost your ego like weed! :D

Ingredients: rosehips 3 marjoram 3 weed 3 calamus 2 reishi 2 

Well, I guess it's no surprise, being as I'm really new to Lusternia, but I was under the impression it was just a drug! On a side note, I'm not sure too sure about its real life analogue boosting the ego, have always felt it did more to increase social anxiety, personally. :D


bromide is now made with catciuses?

Oh, well, I'll start playing Achaea. 

No need. It's also in Lusternia.


Don't.. Imperian is much better!

Is it possible to make Cactus Hash?

Weed......Fun fun fun fun. It can be annoying when that druid in creville gets you high though.

Weed......Fun fun fun fun. It can be annoying when that druid in creville gets you high though.

I can remember people telling me about it but having never tried it myself -at the time- I didn't really believe it. Till someone handed me a pipe and I smoked it. Now I randomly do it to just make myself laugh simply because its a mood enlightener. Not including, I do like giving it out to REAL newbies that don't know what they are doing, get them to smoke it and then run away giggling insanely. I guess thats the evil part of me showing up.

Yes, I also remember my first time experiencing the cactus weed... It was definitely different. Wasn't there another -drug- in Achaea? Sparkles?

Yeah, gleam.


Who needs cactus weed when you could just go thump a denizen that makes you see the smiley faces? Yaaaay Phereklos!

Weed, fun for the first time, annoying after.

In my Achaea days, I found cactus weed amusing but utterly pointless. That said, I'd really love to see it hit MKO, especially now that we have pipes and Alchemy. Let it grow in Veilgarden pleeeeeeease?

Why am I not surprised? :P

My character never got into cactus weed at all. Amusing article, though.

Re: Veilgarden - I suppose growing cactus weed would be one way to make those depressed spirits happy! :>

What keeps me wondering is that, though, every time I go searching for weed, it is fully harvested. Which nutter does it?

That would be me *hum*

I just find it to be a nuisance, both in Achaea and in Lusternia. Spam smiley faces and hallucinations don't amuse me.


Good for novelty and little else.  It fits the mood in Bopalopia, or as an affliction, but outside of it, yeah.

Still good to smoke if you start getting overserious about the game, I suppose.  Nothing reminds you "Oh, wait, FUN" more than seeing smiley faces.

Never cared for the stuff

I've violently avoided it since my trip to bopolopia

Didn't Gaia once take away all the cactus weed in Sapience in protest at overharvesting?

Must've been a sad day!

That's probably the worst evil to ever befall Achaea.

Does Lusternia have something like this too? I know that drinking too much absynth makes your text speech come out looking funny, but I hadn't heard of cactus weed.

We have the weed.

Luckily you can use it to make potions, though, so it's not just for ridiculous times.

I gagged the smileys. They can be ... very inopportune sometimes. They sneak up on you, and stare at you with their creepy stare.

Smileys are even worse playing on a mobile, they take up the whole screen

A like the idea of forcing your enemies to get high so you can attack them more easily. Tried the weed once, didn't do much for me(Kind of like in real life, ironically). I once attempted to put a hemp plant in my pipe and smoke it, but it wouldn't fit in the pipe *sniff*.

Nice that it serves some actual use in Lusternia, kinda like the real thing.

seems very nice..


>2: Getting your enemies stoned

Oh wow, I never thought of that. Spammy smiley faces and skulls on top of afflicts and damage? Yes please!

It's far too easy to gag and as no effect on their fighting ability, other than being incurable except via a gem of negation or something (at least in Achaea).

Cactus weed is all fine and dandy, but just avoid the gleam! Stuff is literally bad and addicting, a real life reference to the horrible side effects of narcotics.

hahaha was just thinking that yesterday.. -force smoke weed!

need to get my hands on some brownies now...

I hate it sooooooo much....

They really do bring a stupid grin to my face, that's for sure.

Honestly I've never voluntarily touched the stuff. However one must put up with the annoyance of the bright colous and irritatingly happy smiling globes when one hunts on Mysia as one of the denizens likes to 'share' his stash when you attack him. Funny how stoners are so willing to share no matter what the circumstances, heh.

It was cool when I was 12.

I just get my soul stoned IRL, and play Achaea, seems to work alright. As far as combat goes though I'd like to try that. FEED WEEDCOOKIE TO BONKO.


You have to wait for him to get unshrubbed first.



I've gotten my hands on some of the Cactus Weed Brownies before. They aren't nearly as fun as you think they are. No smileys, no lingering effects.

Cactus weed is one of the few things that can really annoy me, I remember being hit by that druid in Creville once, I ended up waiting in a corner and hoping it would end soon so I could continue bashing. Don't like the stuff.


About the article... while many are either informative or very entertaining, this one sort of underwhelmed me with it's lack of any significance. Poking at Hashan didn't help much.






Sounds like a flexible drug.

get past the smiles it's fun

I wonder if throwing it into fires in Aetolia will work too. I'll try that some time.

Nao's pet peacock loves cactus weed, and if you give it to him, it makes him all relaxed, boneless and less of a mouthy bird, at least for a few moments and he starts asking for the stuff again.  Much easier to give it than to have him eat your gold instead.... *mutter* stupid bird

In Lusternia weed is used to make bromide potions.

Keep your wasted lives confined to Gaudiguch, please

as a young Druid I began my harvesting of plants, well to my surprise I was able to harvest weed, I asked what it was for and I was told to smoke it so like a daring young druid I did.  OMG the colorfull smilies that assulted me!  I laugh at others now who want to try it and watch as they blink and run around yelling "make the smiles stop!"

Always think of Naomh dosing her pet with it.

Yah man. Breathe in that smoke.

Quite funny and a nice read

Hilarious article

When ever I get cursed with all those smilies I thank the gods I'm a blademaster and shin phoenix them away. Odd I only seem to use the skill against smilies and alcohol....

this game is incredible! I just knew about the gleam.

When you absolutely, positively need a smile.

I like the smilies that talk, too.

The weed will always love you! Baking it into stuff would be funny too, I know the Idras can make poison cookies...maybe it'd be something similar to that!

Put cactus weed in arti pipe, give pipe to enemy, force them to smoke pipe with cactus weed, beckon back arti pipe and Lol as they are going wtf is happening.

Hashan's Swamis of the Cactus Clan know what's up.




I started playing in Mhaldor, so was long ignorant of this substance.


Mhaldor, unban the smileys!!

it kind of goes against any concept of dicipline



Heehee... This is one of the better articles in a while. made me laugh, and brought back good memories... *cough*

need to get to action in hypnosis to do this

never found reason to try it. At elast it is more allowed then gleam


seems like a bit of an annoyance, no?



I've always found it remarkable that anyone smokes cactus weed! At least, more than once.

first thought *facepalm* second lol cute :D

So uh... Midkemia have any?


Haha, this reminds me I need to renew my cooking recipe for cactus brownies. :P

Probably hold a bake sale.

Legalize cactus weed now

that's a good read.

Wot a fun article! And in the Spiritwalker fortress you can buy cactus weed brownies...

They should make an Alchemical version of cactus weed that instead of making you see smiley faces, makes you see big colourful stars.

This was a surprisingly amusing article.

Crafting union does not approve of hallucinogenic food. Not that I tried... Or anything.

I know you can put weed in a bonfire to make everyone in the room see smileys

man this is an old article


personally, I've never used the stuff, and probably never will

nw that I can finally force actions, I really need to do some of these things

I only have the weed to feed to my IC mom's albino peacock Dempsey. He LOVES it.


It's kind of funny...for a few minutes, then I want to just die and get it over with!


There's a denizen that puff the smoke in your face, was pretty shocking when that happened to me.


Never actually tried forcing someone to smoke a pipe with weed in it, sounds like it might be a moderately efficient tactic, assuming they do not have triggers to mute the smiley spam.

Combat overwhelming.

we also put it in drinks. fun



hi all!

I don't know much about cactus weed but I have seen the smilies before and I honestly thought something was wrong with my computer. I thought I had a virus or something. It took a housemate quite a while (after they started laughing) to tell me what was wrong.

I thought it was pretty annoying after the first time

This is a good article. very humorus as well as another combat trick that I had never even considered, of course , my character can't force people to do things, but I still found it to be very insightful.

Brownies.  Need.  Now.


Cactus weed should not be smiley faces, but rather symptoms like munchies perhaps single line illusions and they should be curable in some way, in my stoned opinion anyway


Now I am trying hard to picture stoned vampires with the giggles, what happens when they get the munchies?

They suck their own blood? >_>

Makes things fun.

In Imperian as well?

heh heh cactus weed, much better than gleam

It is not a good idea to be stoner buddies with a vampire they might just eat you.


Om nom nom

Just say no, kids!

I hope something like this comes to Midkemia sometime. It definitely does not need to be smiley faces and rainbows though.

fortunatly my system now hides them so they don't make me miss important things.


That would be handy.

In Lusternia you can put weed in a trap and wait for someone to spring the trap.

Huh, I never knew that!

aren't going to eat themselves


funny stuff.

Great story - thank you for sharing the memory!

Never, thank you.

sounds lame

you just got saved from seeing a giant-ass smiley

Stupid smileys.

No thanks.